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| sad (again) :( |
| 06.29.04 (7:31 pm) [edit] |
I took my sister to see The Notebook tonight and that is seriously one of the saddest movies I have ever seen. It was really good but I don't think a single girl left that theater without crying....I felt sorry for the guys there because it was a total chick flick. It also really reminded me of my grandpa so that made me cry even more :cry: I have been really, really upset about that. I know he was really old and he lived a full life and everything but I just can't seem to accept this. And maybe my expectations are too high, but it kind of seems like my friends don't even care. I know if it happened to somebody else I would try to be there for them instead of not answering/returning phone calls and not hanging out with them. I have been very dissapointed lately. It seems like they only have time for me and want to hang out when it is convenient for them (i.e. their boyfriends are busy) and I think that is bullshit. For people who are supossedly your "best friends", things have been real shady. I think it has just gotten to the point where everyone takes eachother for granted.....you can treat eachother like shit but hey we're best friends so its forgiveable. I really can't wait to go back to school and meet some new people. I hung out with Skye and Chris last night and i'm really excited theyre going to asu next year, I think we will all hang out a bunch. And it looks like I will probably be roommates w/ courson, which is awesome, bc shes really cool. My dad and I are going tomorrow to Phoenix to buy a house or townhouse. I can't wait to have my own house to decorate!!! I have all sorts of plans.....too bad I have no money to buy all this stuff. Can you buy pool tables on ebay?? I think its been decided we are all going to leave to go back on August 14th and all caravan out there. I am trying to talk chris into towing one of those uhaul things so I can bring more of my crap along and not have to mail it. 46 days....i can't wait
[b]The Starting Line[/b]
[i]The Drama Summer[/i]
We could wait for the wind to blow
Or give me a look so cold...It gives me chills
And ends the summer war
My eyes roll
Around and over and again
Falling down, dizzy with sun stroke
I'll be there
And i'll try to identify, try to look through the gray skies in your eyes..
I'll pick up everything you left behind
Cross your fingers, and pray for winter
I'll be there
Painting the town your favorite color.
Guess i'll call or see you around....yeah
Guess i'll call or see you around.
Guess i'll call or see you around....yeah
Guess i'll call or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
...painting the town your favorite color.
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| home again |
| 06.27.04 (10:21 pm) [edit] |
Just got back from chicago.....what a horrible trip. I am having a really, really hard time with my grandpa dying. Everyone else seems to have made their peace with it, seeing how he was sick and in such pain and now he can't suffer anymore. Maybe it is because I feel so guilty for not seeing him before it happened....even though it happened really fast so I don't even think I would have had the opportunity to. My dad has 10 brothers and sisters, and we are the only ones besides one of his sisters that don't live in or near Chicago, so I never got to see him as much as everyone else. I just hope he knew that even though we didnt see him as much, I still loved him so much. He was such a good person. I don't think I stopped crying this whole entire weekend.....and I know people all deal with death differently, but I was getting really irritated at my Dad bc he was acting like nothing had happened and he didn't get upset at all at the funeral, but I found him this afternoon in my grandparents room and he was kind of crying and that just completely freaked me out. I have only seen my dad cry one other time in my life. It really goes to show you how much you take life, and people, for granted.
[b]Zac Maloy[/b]
[i]Early Morning Phone Call[/i]
It was an early morning phone call December
That got my attention
They called to tell me that you were gone
You were the strength of all my hopes and inspirations
You were the music in my song
Sometimes what doesn't seem so fair
That's what makes us more aware
I know you're smiling
I know you're singing
I know that you're in a better place
Where angels wings caress you
But I still miss you
More than leaves are falling this October
It's just that I wanted to stand with you for awhile
Now I"m walking throught a doorway to tomorrow
More like running, running out of time
Sometimes what doesn't seem so fair
That's what makes us more aware
I know you're smiling
I know you're singing
I know that you're in a better place
Where angels wings caress you
But I still miss you
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| How do you say goodbye to somebody forever? |
| 06.21.04 (8:04 pm) [edit] |
Someone once said "It is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all". What if that isn't the case? If you never had that person to love, you couldn't lose them, and then you wouldn't have to mourn losing them......my Grandpa has been sick on and off for the past few years, and I knew this day was coming, but you can't really prepare for it....2 years ago when I was on the church senior trip in san antonio I got a call from my mom one night as we were all boarding the bus to go to dinner and she said that grandpa was really sick and in the hospital and they didn't think he was going to make it. I started crying and my youth minister asked what was wrong so I told her, and she and the other pastors and I prayed for him. He ended up being OK and getting better. I had always believed in God, but that is what really confirmed it. This summer, he hasn't been doing too well. My dad has to go there on business anyway so he asked us to go this weekend ages ago, but I said no b/c warped was this weekend, couldn't I go in july? I am such a selfish bitch. But the truth is that I don't want to see him like this.....i don't want to remember him that way. Today my mom came upstairs and told me that he was sick again and that we should call him and say anything we needed to say. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. How can you just say goodbye to someone? Forever? I told him I loved him and I wish he would get better but I don't even think he heard or understood me because I was crying so hard. Apparently he has lost 30 lbs in the past month and is in so much pain. They took him off all his medicine except morphine so he would be comfortable. So I guess he was out of it and I don't even know if he heard me, but my grandma said he nodded his head when she held the phone up to his ear. I was really really really upset after talking to him and just went upstairs and cried. And then I did what I always do whenever I'm upset: went for a drive. Probably not the smartest thing in the world since I was so distracted. At first I was so sad, and then I got angry. Why is everyone just giving up? Thats not fair..... but it is completely selfish of me to want to keep him here when he is obviously suffering. I don't even know whats wrong with him. Its not like he has cancer or some big disease, I guess he is just old and his system is shutting down? I really don't want him to be in pain but I want him to be here.......everyone says he will be better off in heaven, and we will see him again, but how do you know that?? Maybe when we die nothing happens. You just die. And if there is a heaven/hell, im not sure which place I would go to....I am a christian and everything but I am not a good person. I'm selfish, I drink too much, I spend money I dont have on superficial things, I lie to my parents, I didnt go to church (except once) the entire time at school, I'm judgemental, I gossip, but there is nobody I hate more than I hate myself. So now what.....are we supossed to sit here and wait for the phone to ring and tell us he died. I keep praying for him to be ok but my mind goes back to a similar situation........I prayed and prayed and prayed for Michael to be ok and he wasnt. So is there a point? I don't know what to do, or say, or to think. Something really bad was as soon as I stopped crying all I wanted to do was either drink my self into an oblivion or go and shop and buy alot of things to make myself feel better temporarily. There's that genetic addictive personality coming out. I do not want to be like Jen or Muzzy and resort to something like that when things get bad, but thats what I always do. When Michael died, it was food. I blamed it on smoking so much but honestly every time I started to think about the accident I would go and stuff my face with food. I still have that extra 30 lbs to work off. I don't know why, but I have always been really paranoid about my grandpa dying. Maybe it is because I only have one. Muzzy hasn't been married long enough with any of her chosen 6 for me to really like any of them. I remember once when I was about 4 or 5 sitting in my parents bathroom watching my mom get ready to go out to dinner and one of my friends grandparents died and I didn't really understand the whole dying thing. My mom said everyone dies, and grandpa would die someday too. I was so upset by that. From that point until I was about 9, if anyone would call late at night I would get that horrible panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach and pick it up and hang it up right away so that if something bad happened to grandpa we wouldn't know about it. I am to this day, 15 years later, paranoid if someone calls our house phone late. I wish I could talk to someone about this, but I can't. Kylie is in california and Ashley is in mexico. Whenever anything bad would happen in middle or high school I would always spill everything to Kacy and everything felt so much better. But she has a baby, im not going to call and bother her with my problems. I don't know what comes next. Everyone seems to have made their peace with him dying except me, saying how he will be in a better place. I'm just in a trance or something.......I was just laying down on my bed and I stared and the ceiling for an hour. So I think I will return to doing that. And I will wait.
[b]Our Lady Peace[/b]
[i]4 A.M. [/i]
I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong
And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong
And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
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| boys are soooo stupid sometimes |
| 06.19.04 (1:19 am) [edit] |
Boys are stupid. And arrogant. There is a song by NFG called Boy Crazy that says "this songs for stupid girls that think that every boy is all about them". Well same goes for boys. For example, say there was a guy you USED to like a long time ago, but you are still friends with them and thats fine. Everything is cool, but then he gets the idea that you like him so much because of his stupid drunk friends. So you go from hanging out with them and talking to them all the time to barely seeing them and having them not talk to you at all bc they have it in their head that you are just so in love with them. They translate a text message "Hey what are you doing tonight" (Which means hey what are you and everyone else doing tonight) into "Hey I love you lets go on a date tonight". So stupid! GET OVER YOURSELF! Anyways..... Today Kacy came over with Kaylee and Paul and Kaylee is soooooooo adorable. She is such a good baby too she barely ever cries. I hope I have a baby like her but I know I will be cursed with a screaming, evil child to pay me back . I went over to Jakes for awhile tonight bc it was Joeys birthday, and for once I was the only person not shitfaced! I havent drank in like 2 weeks, which is good because I hate the way I act when i'm drunk, even though it is fun being drunk. Im working on a happy medium. I wish Kylie would come home bc its SO BORING without her here. The only thing to do is sit out by the pool and work for my dad (which freaking sucks) so I am permanently sunburned. Albinos do not tan well. Im going to sleep now bc I am going to try to wake up at a reasonable hour tomorrow so I can workout and wash my car before it gets too freaking hot.
[b]Taking Back Sunday[/b]
[i]You're So Last Summer[/i]
She said
"don't, don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"
And all I
Need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...
I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt
And all I
Need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar..... [image]taylorfabulous_117 7338065.jpg[/image]
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| i can't deal with this! |
| 06.16.04 (7:52 pm) [edit] |
OH MY GOD I AM GOING CRAZY..........Kylie is in california, Ashley is in california, Chris is in Hawaii, Skye is in Hawaii, I can't go over to Jake's house........I AM SO BORED. So here's what I do. I stay up all night and watch E! True Hollywood Story til about 5 AM, then I take my dog for a run around 5:30, then I go to sleep and don't wake up til 3 or 4 pm. Then I go and sit by the pool for 2 hours and repeat. Could life be any more boring or pathetic? I can't wait for Kylie to get back! Oh and this summer school thing sucks too. And all my parents do is bitch at me to get a job and stop being disrespectful and how I should do chores. No thanks. Today my mom was at work, my sister was at a friends, and my dad was SUPOSSED to be in Houston so I was in the pool on a lounge chair enjoying a corona halfway asleep when I open my eyes and find my dad staring down at me. Now hes not stupid, he knows I drink, I go to ASU....but he wasn't thrilled to find me drinking his beer at 3 in the afternoon. Ooops :oops: SO looking forward to taking a trip alone with him to phx next week to get a house! At least it will get me out of here!! Oh goody, True Hollywood Story: Paris Hilton is on (again). Something to look forward to: Joey's bday party on friday and warped the weekend after next :D
[b]Simple Plan[/b]
[i]Grow Up[/i]
This is who i am
and this is what i like
GC, Sum and Blink and Mxpx rocking my room
if your looking for me
i'll be at the show
i could never find a better place to go
until the day i die i promise i wont change
so u better give up
I don't wanna be told to grow up
and i don't wanna change
i just wanna have fun
i don't wanna be told to grow up
and i don't wanna change
so u better give up
cause i'm not gonna change
i dont wanna grow up
I like to stay up late
spend hours on the phone
hangin out with all my friends
and never being at home
im impoilte and i make fun of everyone
im immature but i will stay this way forever
until the day i die i promise i wont change
so u better give up
I don't wanna be told to grow up
and i don't wanna change
i just wanna have fun
i don't wanna be told to grow up
and i don't wanna change
so u better give up
cause i'm not gonna change
i dont wanna grow up
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| i want to go back to az!!! |
| 06.13.04 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
Haven't written since i've been home, which has been almost a month. I can't deal with this place....it would be one thing if Ash was here and Kylie and I didn't have to bust our asses in summer school so we don't get kicked out. I swear from this point on i'm making straight A's and im going to stop slacking. I am stoked though that it looks like i have a roommate...and even better someone that I actually like! My dad and I are going to phx the first weekend of July and are buying either a house or a townhouse. I can't wait to have a place to decorate!! Much to my parents chagrin, I haven't gotten a job and they say all I do is sleep all day, maybe shop a little bit, then go out drinking with my friends and don't get home til 4 or 5ish. Ok well yeah they are right but im not asking them for money or anything so why do they care? I do need to either stop drinking completely or learn how to drink enough to get buzzed because whenever I get shitfaced I embarass myself. I hate the way I act when i'm drunk, its like my evil twin. So I need to chill on that or im going to have no friends at all! Except Ky and Ash bc they will be shitfaced with me :lol: I need to sit down and have a talk with Jake bc things have gotten way weird between us and its all a huge misunderstanding. I want to be a nerd and do it over the phone or something but I respect him more than that. well i'd better peace bc my mom gave me ambien, which will make me sleep, but it also has a tendency to make me hallucinate as well. Which probably isn't a good thing. Sweet dreams everyone
[b]Starting Line[/b]
[i]Cheek to Cheek[/i]
Bound to say something, eyes closed,
It's cold, and I'm home
I feel like nothing again,
Pretending not to care, but I care,
And I care, don't say another word
Our time was worthless, but I tried
We started over and over again, as we let go
Held each other, held hands,
Held standards and grudges
That's when I let you know,
I guess that goes to show
Just what I've been going through,
More nights of hugging my pillow, oh
Replaying memories
Sing this song for me;
And tell me how you'll never leave my side
I'll meet you at 7
I miss you already, goodbye to you
(The last goodbye, I'll never say to you)
Time was worthless, but I tried
We started over and over again, as we let go
Held each other, held hands,
held standards and grudges
That's when I let you know,
I guess that goes to show
Sing this song for me;
And tell me how you'll never leave my side
I'll meet you at 7
I miss you already, goodbye to you
the last goodbye I'll ever say to you
And I tried so hard,
And I've done my part,
And not to mention most of all of yours
Try and feel,
Try and listen,
Try and think of what you're missing,
Try to look into my eyes.
TRY
Goodbye
Sing this song for me
And tell me how you'll never leave my side
I'll meet you at 7
I miss you already
Goodbye to you
The last goodbye I'll ever say to you
Replaying memories
You'll never leave my side
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