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| home.... |
| 03.21.05 (11:09 pm) [edit] |
So my parents are here right now....which has been cool because I get to go out to dinner and they buy me stuff. Thats not the only reason.....I miss them alot. I have made up my mind that I am going to transfer. Its nothing against anyone here.....I just miss home and Kylie and everyone else. I can't stop thinking about it. It would just be so much fun if I was in Austin and Kylie was in CS and Paj was in Waco and everyone else was in San Marcos.....I could see them whenever I wanted. And go home whenever I wanted. But what if I don't get into UT??? I would be sooooo sad. I think I will though. And I could still visit here alot. The one thing is that I know I would be really disappointed if things didnt turn out at UT the way I want them to. Whatever that is. I cant stop thinking about it though......weird. I'm going home this weekend so i'm really excited to see everyone. I really hope Kylie can come up for at least a night.....I think I might meet her in Waco for lunch on Thursday.....I hope Paj can come too! He is coming up that weekend so I know we can hang out at the house if I don't see him in Waco. I really want to see everyone else too....Jake and Roy and Joey and Chase. I love them because they are so unpretentious....you can just hang out and be yourself and not worry about anything. They are the most laid back people, and I love that about them. Soo.....I think we are going to Cheesecake Factory tomorrow to celebrate my birthday, late. Which is good because I didn't get to blow out any candles and make a wish. Well time for some Sex....and the City. Unfortunately.
[b]Kelly Clarkson[/b]
[i]Addicted[/i]
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
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| March Madness |
| 03.18.05 (12:19 am) [edit] |
My parents love beer so much they decided to get married on St Patricks Day.....cool huh?? So they have been married 21 years...aww...I hope when I get married I am like them and don't get divorced or anything. Ummm anyways. Haven't written in awhile because it has been SO BORING here. Everyone went to Mexico.....Drew got back from Rosarito today though so he came over. We went in the hot tub and ordered pizza and watched Sweet Home Alabama. It was fun. No drinking tonight actually. My parents are coming on Saturday, so Audrey and I have been trying to clean the house because its TRASHED....but haven't made too much progress. We FINALLY got my shit out of storage....what, 7 months later? At least it is done. But now we have 3 TVs and we only really need one. I found all these clothes I forgot I had.....its like shopping! But now there is even more to clean up and put away. I have two closets in my room and both of them are jam packed....and I just went through my clothes and got rid of a bunch. I can't help it....I like clothes. My room is so gross, its going to take all day tomorrow. Oh yes, I forgot, what I actually wanted to write about......I AM SO FUCKING PISSED TEXAS LOST TO FUCKING NEVADA!! What the HELL is up with that???? Thats embarassing....to lose in the first round. Texas played like shit this year so I was surprised they even got a bid, but whatever. The ONE thing my Dad and I bond over is March Madness....we do our brackets and bet eachother. Its fun. But he is kicking my ass so far....he picked Nevada over Texas, which personally I think is disrespectful!!!! And he picked UW Milwaukee over Alabama. NOBODY PICKED THAT!!! I did pick UAB over LSU though.....but my bracket is screwed up already. Boo. He thinks Illinois is going all the way, and I was not impressed the way they played tonight....I think UNC is going all the way. It would be cool if it ended up being Duke/UNC in the final. Im bored now.....Audrey and Drew are asleep....and i'm not tired. Maybe I should clean my room. Good idea.
[b]Finch[/b]
[i]Once Upon My Nightstand[/i]
I'm sleeping to give my head a rest
I am so sick of these arguments
Alone, once again I'm on my own
Just need some time to myself or I'll explode
I know that this is all my fault
And one day I will get it right
But for now I sit here and remind myself
That everything will be okay
Your letter written on a napkin
Sits on my nightstand
And it reads:
This is...
This is the last time
That I will write to you
This is goodbye
I know that this is all my fault
And one day I will get it right
But for now I sit here and remind myself
That everything will be okay
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| basketcase |
| 03.13.05 (1:23 am) [edit] |
I am a mess....
Well, at the moment I am better than I was earlier. I've just been wayyyyy depressed.....I hadn't left the house or eaten in 3 days. Thats bad. I wanted to stay home and just sleep but I ended up going over to Rob's tonight. I didn't drink because I knew if I did I would sleep there and I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Rob's friend Pieter is in town, he is cool.....but there was all this drama and I just can't deal with it. If I was drunk, maybe. Sober, hell no. Everyone is hanging out by the pool tomorrow....and there is no way I am going because I don't want to wear a bathing suit! Especially in front of all these tanorexic ASU girls. Ugh. My parents and Timmy are coming on Saturday, so I'm excited for that.....I miss them. They are staying at the Princess so my Mom and I are getting massages and facials while my Dad plays golf....should be fun. Drew, Suzy, and Amy are going to Mexico tomorrow and Rob, Pieter, Guill, and Andy are going on Wednesday. I wanted to go to LA to see Ash, but she has finals and I am broke. If I go to LA I will want to shop and I just don't have the money right now....no fun. I really wish the boys could've come because it would have been alot of fun. I'm not mad that they couldn't come, just disappointed......well, I'm mad at Jake for not even talking to me about it. That sucks. Even just a hey, we can't come would be nice. But I guess I have alot more respect for them than they do for me. Whatever. I am going home for Easter and I don't even think I will see them. I hope Kylie will be there. I am going to CS in April and we are going to see Ashlee Simpson in Houston....so stoked. Lacey is coming too. I love Lacey. She is fun. Well I'm going to sleep.....
[b]Puddle of Mudd[/b]
[i]Blurry[/i]
Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it my face
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
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| REALLY, REALLY bad day |
| 03.11.05 (1:17 am) [edit] |
Wow. Where to start. Um, I hate my life? I'm stupid....and I always do this? Think everything is cool then it blows up in my face. I have been really depressed here lately and the only thing I was looking forward to was Jake and Pajo coming to visit. Well I find out today that they aren't. Just casually, heyyy we aren't coming because it's a long drive. Jake hasn't even fucking talked to me about it, Pajo just MENTIONS it online. Have some fucking balls to tell me at least on the phone....the day before spring break starts. Thanks. Maybe its just me, but I would NEVER do that to a friend. So now Spring Break is ruined and we are stuck here while everyone else is in Mexico. Cool. Looking fucking forward to it. I kind of knew something would happen.....it always does. Its just all bullshit. And I feel totally fucked over. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion and making a big deal out of nothing like I always do but I dont care. I cried for a good hour then drank half a bottle of tequila. It was fun. I just wish I hadn't found it out until after 8 because it fucking ruined the OC and I've been looking forward to it for 2 weeks. But I was pissed off and chain smoking during it so I didn't even really get to watch. I was going to just stay at home and get trashed and pass out but I went over to Rob's with Audrey for maybe an hour....then I had her bring me home and got trashed and passed out. But now I can't sleep. And I think i'm already hungover. Cool. I talked to Ashley about maybe going out there or her coming here....but then remembered I am broke. So scratch that. I refuse to ask my parents for any more money bc I have asked them for enough lately. I have a feeling i'm going to be in a bad mood tomorrow and probably really hungover so I think I will sleep all day. Sounds fun. A great way to start spring break. Looking forward to it. I think I am becoming dillusional.
[b]A Perfect Circle[/b]
[i]3 Libras[/i]
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all
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| nothing... |
| 03.10.05 (2:12 am) [edit] |
I haven't really been writing much because nothing too exciting has been going on......
Since my almost nervous breakdown things have been better, I'm just not sure what i'm going to do for fall semester. It is kind of up to my parents. If they wan't me to go home I don't have much of a choice because they are the ones that pay the bills. If I do leave, I kind of feel like the only person that would really care would be Audrey. And I have so many friends, TRUE friends, in Texas......I just don't know. Anyways.....Sunday was my birthday. We had a party Saturday night, it was fun. There was a pretty good turnout, probably 30 people, which is alot because the space we have to party in at my house isn't that big....just the kitchen, living room, and balcony. I did a few too many birthday beer bongs and ended up getting completely wasted and passed out on the liberator and Audrey had to carry me to bed. I fell over my pink table and ended up breaking it and now I have a gigantic bruise on my leg. I guess she was having a hard time...i'm heavy...and Andy offered to help put me to bed but she already had gotten me into bed. And apparently I was prancing around the living room. At least I wasn't doing that when EVERYONE was there....only Audrey, Guill, Andy, and Rob....and they have seen me wasted millions of times so no biggie. I woke up on my birthday without a hangover, but I didn't wake up til 5:30 and I had 7 trillion missed calls because everybody loves me and wanted to say happy birthday (at home at least). I was pretty upset that everyone bailed on going to the Cheesecake Factory, since I made a huge deal about it......thanks guys, thanks. I understand people have to study and stuff but they knew way in advance, and I can guarantee you that most of that time would not be spent studying but watching TV or sitting around or something, so I don't think an hour to celebrate my fucking birthday would kill you. My friends at home would NEVER do that. So it ended up being only me and Audrey, which was fine......except Audrey's salad tasted like shit and I got too full for cheesecake so I didn't get to make a birthday wish :( boo poor me. Enough of this pity party. Today I got a brazilian bikini wax for spring break and it hurt like childbirth. OW. Beauty is pain. And it wasn't that bad because I did 4 double shots of tequila before and made Audrey drive me. It did hurt like a bitch though. Tonight was boring....just watched TV then went over to Rob's and played Super Nintendo. Tomorrow it is supossed to be really nice so we are going to chill by the pool and drink margaritas. I do love that about AZ. It's 4:20...woooo....that reminds me....I can't wait til the boys come. And I'm excited my family is coming too....I miss them. Especially my Mommy. I know she gets really upset when I call her crying and there is nothing she can do to "make it better" because I am so far away. I'm going to get Timmy wasted. Two more days til Spring Break....
[b]Atreyu[/b]
[i]A Song For The Optimists[/i]
Blow the last candle out. Let the wax harden
I wish I could stop crying. And I wish that someone still loved me
Just breathe and focus. How can I when the air is so cold and empty,
That my lungs froze right in my chest.
I'll be honest the silver linings are getting harder and harder to manufacture
And the smiles are so difficult to fake.
What do I have to do, or who do I have to kill, to get what I want. What I need.
Happiness is an emotion I was born to this world without,
nothing pleases me. And i can never be satiated.
Through this toil I will breed my own distress and destroy my best hopes,
fuck up the only things that I love.
I watched my aspirations crashing to the ground, on the backs of the angels that I've slain.
But I meant so well, I tried so hard, gave everyting in my soul, to what end, to what end
Desolation, desire, exhale, pass away.
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| annoyances |
| 03.04.05 (5:26 pm) [edit] |
Haven't written in awhile....
The other day I kind of had a complete meltdown because I got into fights with both Kylie AND Ashley. Not really a fight....that sounds so middle school. But the thing is that we NEVER fight so when we do I get really upset. Kylie pretty much woke me up that I have not been making great decisions lately....and I know she's right. I've been really depressed and doing the whole stay in bed all day thing again....I'm just not that happy here. I love my friends here, but maybe it would be better if I was somewhere near home. I called my Mom and was pretty much hysterical and she wants me to come home. I'm going to finish up the semester and then see how things are. If I were to transfer, I missed the deadline for UT Fall, so I would transfer in the spring. I just don't know. I hate to admit I've failed here but I pretty much have. I know I could be doing sooo much better. But anyways. Last night we chilled at the Village.... I drank but didn't get that drunk. Suzy and I decided to go play basketball with these people, and I assumed that they lived in the Village but it turns out they don't and were actually still in high school. Ew. Somehow they ended up coming back to Suzy's and smoking cigarettes....one of them dropped out of H.S....so we were going off on him about how he needs to get his GED. There were 3 of them, and they all thought they were black. I'm sorry but I can't stand that. Then they were talking about drug dealers and people getting shot and stuff....I just don't normally hang out with people like that so it was weird. I ordered a Pizza from Hungry Howies and Drew and I ate it in less than 5 minutes. It was delicious. Then Me, Drew, Audrey, Suz, and this Tony kid went in the hot tub....it was locked so we had to hop the fence...and Suz might have broken her foot. I was too drunk to be hopping fences so it took me a few tries...haha....but then once we were in the hot tub that Tony kid started to piss me off. He was pretty much talking like he was a thug and I was like YOU ARE NOT BLACK OR GHETTO SO STOP TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU ARE. Then he was going off on me and saying I was a dumb rich bitch and I've never had to pay for anything and I don't know what the real world is and bla bla bla. I HATE THAT STEREOTYPE. Just because my parents have money doesn't mean that I do. I've had a job since I was 14. Yes, my parents pay for my school and living expenses but so do most other people's. That doesn't mean I don't know what the fucking real world is. I understand that not everything is a little Southlake Bubble.....that drives me insane. Don't fucking judge me when you know NOTHING about me. Enough about that. I was supossed to get a brazilian at 9:45 but I was soooo tired so I rescheduled....we came home from Suz's around 9ish and passed out. But then I woke up at 11 and couldn't go back to sleep so I went to the mall to buy something for my birthday party tomorrow....YAY. I'm so tired right now but I really can't sleep. I think we might go to a Toga Party tonight....funnnn. And tomorrow we are going to the Cheesecake Factory for my bday and if EVERYONE DOESNT COME I WILL BE VERY UPSET SINCE WE DIDNT GET TO GO LAST YEAR. And afterwards its my party!!!! And we are getting a keg of GOOD beer, not Miller Lite. So come, bring your friends, and bring me presents.....just kidding. But you can if you want ;)
[b]NFG[/b]
[i]Your Biggest Mistake[/i]
What do you think inside your head
so you think that this could end up breaking you
Your life is a timebomb set to explode
You talk out your ass and everyone knows
For once you should listen or care what i think
Or i'll be gone before you can blink
Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyone knows that your afraid of missing out
And i know that its hard for you to swallow down
A world you created set to explode
You lie through your teeth and everyone knows
For once you should take what im willing to give
Or you'll stay stuck in the web that your trapped in
Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
It's a chance you should take
And i know its not an easy one to make
You should trust the ones that are closest to you
Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
You've made the biggest mistake of your life
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